Jessica (clockwork_punk) wrote,

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i'm a loser baby... so why don't you kill me...

So I had an interview today at Marshall Field's and I think I totally bombed it. It was going really well until she asked me to "sell" her a pen on her desk and i choked. I was all "uhm.. here's a green pen... uhm... it's durable... yeh... and here's a stapler to go w/it.." I was horrid!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her to call me back but i highly doubt it. Lately I've had no confidence in myself whatsoever and i don't know how to change that. I'm so caught up in succeeding in life but i have no clue what to succeed in. Sure i would LOVE to major in merchandising and become a buyer but do i really have the drive to do it?

I am OBSSESSED w/my body and not even in a good way either. I am constantly looking in the mirror trying to see if i've lost any more weight.. since i have no scale. I've been doing pilates everyday and trying to watch what i eat and it still seems like my fat isn't vanishing. It's getting really frustrating.. I still can't believe i have gained 30 some lbs. sine my dad's death. I guess i'm the type to eat my sorrow away.. whatev... i'm slowly but surely getting over it.

I've been finding myself bored ALOT lately. Maybe it's because none of my friends are willing to take time out of their precious schedule to have dinner w/me or something. My friend Allie who i've been friends w/for 4 yrs or so ALWAYS dodges the chance to go out w/me. We used to be glued to the hip and now she could care less.. it really fucking pisses me off!! it seems like i don't matter to her anymore and i thought i was one of her closest friends.. ugh!! And whenever i try to meet new friends it just seems to never work out. I'm really sick of being alone. I used to think of myself as a fun, go-lucky person but now.. i'm just feeling useless.
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